Chaos and Fire

We fell in love in a spectacular way. We fell in love in a way that is the epitome of us. A memory we can share together, and know that it was only a way that we could meet. It wasn’t angels and trumpets, but just a sense of coming home, of comfort and content.

We all have our ticks and our dreams and our lives: everyone develops in such a complicated way, that no one is complicated. We are all simple once you begin to learn, and you learnt like a professional.

You know exactly how I pick apart my food to make it last longer. You know how loud I snore. You’ve heard me sing out of tune on late night drives so I stay awake. You don’t hesitate to swap our foods around, and you always give me a bite of your pizza (even when I said I didn’t want any). You know of my unhealthy obsession with certain TV/book characters, my many unfinished series, and the fact that I refuse to buy anything in the middle of a collection (I have to have it all).

You know the reason I always put my bed in the corner against the wall. You pull me closer when I tug on your sleeve in crowded areas. You know the exact colour of my eyes when I’ve been crying, and you know just how to make me breathe. You’ve learnt the way I whimper when I have nightmares, and you aren’t afraid of the dark thoughts that sometimes come tumbling out.

I often wonder why you fell in love with me, and you say it was not something you had any control over. I then wonder why you choose to stay in love with me, afterall, surely it would be far easier for you to learn about someone else; learn the way they laugh, the way they cry, and the way they look when they’re in love. I cannot believe you want this, and that if you are ever given the chance to go back, you would choose my chaos over someone else’s simplicity.

And yet, when I am stood in the back garden spiralling into a panic attack (something we have both learnt to get used to), and the breath won’t come and the air is thick and my lungs have frozen and my hands are sweating and my head is pounding and the world is closing in…When your hands touch my face and your voice settles around me, and you breathe as if you are breathing for me, and somehow the world expands again into colour and quiet, I know that I am no more complicated than any other human being on this planet. I know that despite the disorder that reigns within, it will never overpower the way you hold me.

There are many quotes out there about being ‘set alight’ when falling in love; a couple that can set the world on fire. But that is not what I want. I am already ablaze, and another inferno will only end in our destruction. You are my blanket, something to suffocate the flame and make the sky a lighter shade of red. You learnt to not only withstand the heat, but also temper the spark, and ultimately, the fire within me bends and unravels to the soul within you.

I was chaos and fire. Until I met you.

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