I am trying to take care of myself, in the same way that I take care of others. I am trying to love myself, in the same way that I love others. I am trying to believe in, and be be proud of myself, in the same way that I believe in and am proud of others.
It is so easy for me to applaud another, or soothe another, or comfort another. It is so easy for me to look at another person and understand every reason why they are how they are. It is so easy for me to raise my hand to stem their worries, fears, and doubts.
But when I look at myself, I find it difficult. It can be so hard to function. Sometimes it’s cos I’m ill. Sometimes it’s cos I’m depressed. And sometimes I just really don’t have time to care for myself. I can be for other people what they cannot be for themselves, but I cannot be what I need. I spend my days caring and loving others, and yet, when I come home, I have none left for myself. Continue reading
Sometimes I’m like a bath that has been left just that little too long. Not hot enough to burn, not cold enough to not bother, just lukewarm enough to be slightly uncomfortable and confusing.
Do I stay in? Do I get out? Am I enjoying this? Am I not? Most the time you either accept this weird temperature, or you actually try to do something about it; whether that’s getting out, or turning on the hot water tap and waiting for the bath to warm up.
Well sometimes, I’m that lukewarm bath. Sometimes, I don’t feel anything at either end of the spectrum, I’m just…where I am. I’m not happy, proud, excited, joyous, content. I’m also not angry, sad, upset, or annoyed. I’m not really anything, I’m just sitting in a very weird in between. Continue reading
MUSINGS OF A CARER
Today I had to google what a ‘Tall Boy’ was. No it is not a vivid sexual fantasy of a never married-little-old lady (and if that was the case, why on earth was she handing me 2 towels… *shiver*). Thanks to google, I discovered that a Tall Boy is in fact a chest of drawers. And so the generational knowledge gap between me and my clients once again becomes glaringly apparent.
You can call me ‘J’. I’m a 21-year-old female, living in the UK. I’ve just graduated in Psychology and I’ve been trying to sort out my post-uni existence in the recent summer. By sort out, I mean ignoring my responsibilities and impending adulthood by spending as much time with my ‘still-at-uni’ friends, watching daytime TV, and baking cakes. This was going entirely fine right up until the point where I realised that the only way to fund my procrastination was to actually get a job. I start training next week. Adulting has officially begun. I spend half my time with my mum, bro, dog (Zac), and a snake (affectionately known as snakey-snoo), and the other half with my dad, step-mum, and 2 younger siblings. Finally, I’m in a long-term, long-distance relationship with an absolutely wonderful human being who just so happens to be 130 miles away from me for most of the year. So that’s my present state of affairs. That’s the stuff you usually tell someone you just met, right?
So let’s get a little deeper. Continue reading