Chaos and Fire

We fell in love in a spectacular way. We fell in love in a way that is the epitome of us. A memory we can share together, and know that it was only a way that we could meet. It wasn’t angels and trumpets, but just a sense of coming home, of comfort and content.

We all have our ticks and our dreams and our lives: everyone develops in such a complicated way, that no one is complicated. We are all simple once you begin to learn, and you learnt like a professional.

You know exactly how I pick apart my food to make it last longer. You know how loud I snore. You’ve heard me sing out of tune on late night drives so I stay awake. You don’t hesitate to swap our foods around, and you always give me a bite of your pizza (even when I said I didn’t want any). You know of my unhealthy obsession with certain TV/book characters, my many unfinished series, and the fact that I refuse to buy anything in the middle of a collection (I have to have it all).

You know the reason I always put my bed in the corner against the wall. You pull me closer when I tug on your sleeve in crowded areas. You know the exact colour of my eyes when I’ve been crying, and you know just how to make me breathe. You’ve learnt the way I whimper when I have nightmares, and you aren’t afraid of the dark thoughts that sometimes come tumbling out. Continue reading

Advertisements

Polycystic ovaries and Me.

I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome about 9 months ago. Officially. Funnily enough, an ultrasound nurse told me this when I was 14, and yet my doctors at the time disregarded this and basically told me to come back when I wanted to have children. It all started when I was 12. I went through puberty even though I was told that my Crohns may interfere. I had my first period (bloody hell literally) and I remember being super excited (even though I was in stupid pain). I remember getting the obligatory joke(?) text from my friend saying ‘WOOHOO you’re officially a woman!’, and I remember being somewhat proud of the whole debacle. I wasn’t worried when I didn’t have one the next month, or the month after that, because it’s often stressed to you that you’re never regular at the beginning.

Two years later I admitted to my mum that I hadn’t had a period since. I asked if it was normal. She booked me an appointment at the GPs. We went together and explained what had happened and they originally told me that some people don’t start to late. I didn’t pique their interest until I told them I had started two years ago, and just never…carried on. Continue reading

Take care

I am trying to take care of myself, in the same way that I take care of others. I am trying to love myself, in the same way that I love others. I am trying to believe in, and be be proud of myself, in the same way that I believe in and am proud of others.

It is so easy for me to applaud another, or soothe another, or comfort another. It is so easy for me to look at another person and understand every reason why they are how they are. It is so easy for me to raise my hand to stem their worries, fears, and doubts.

But when I look at myself, I find it difficult. It can be so hard to function. Sometimes it’s cos I’m ill. Sometimes it’s cos I’m depressed. And sometimes I just really don’t have time to care for myself. I can be for other people what they cannot be for themselves, but I cannot be what I need. I spend my days caring and loving others, and yet, when I come home, I have none left for myself.  Continue reading

I’m that lukewarm bath

Sometimes I’m like a bath that has been left just that little too long. Not hot enough to burn, not cold enough to not bother, just lukewarm enough to be slightly uncomfortable and confusing.

Do I stay in? Do I get out? Am I enjoying this? Am I not? Most the time you either accept this weird temperature, or you actually try to do something about it; whether that’s getting out, or turning on the hot water tap and waiting for the bath to warm up.

Well sometimes, I’m that lukewarm bath. Sometimes, I don’t feel anything at either end of the spectrum, I’m just…where I am. I’m not happy, proud, excited, joyous, content. I’m also not angry, sad, upset, or annoyed. I’m not really anything, I’m just sitting in a very weird in between. Continue reading

Musings of a Carer [1]

MUSINGS OF A CARER

Today I had to google what a ‘Tall Boy’ was. No it is not a vivid sexual fantasy of a never married-little-old lady (and if that was the case, why on earth was she handing me 2 towels… *shiver*). Thanks to google, I discovered that a Tall Boy is in fact a chest of drawers. And so the generational knowledge gap between me and my clients once again becomes glaringly apparent.

This is me.

You can call me ‘J’. I’m a 21-year-old female, living in the UK. I’ve just graduated in Psychology and I’ve been trying to sort out my post-uni existence in the recent summer. By sort out, I mean ignoring my responsibilities and impending adulthood by spending as much time with my ‘still-at-uni’ friends, watching daytime TV, and baking cakes. This was going entirely fine right up until the point where I realised that the only way to fund my procrastination was to actually get a job. I start training next week. Adulting has officially begun. I spend half my time with my mum, bro, dog (Zac), and a snake (affectionately known as snakey-snoo), and the other half with my dad, step-mum, and 2 younger siblings. Finally,  I’m in a long-term, long-distance relationship with an absolutely wonderful human being who just so happens to be 130 miles away from me for most of the year. So that’s my present state of affairs. That’s the stuff you usually tell someone you just met, right?

So let’s get a little deeper. Continue reading