I haven’t written for a long time, because I don’t know what to write. I write to vent, to push things into the open to give them understanding when they don’t make sense bumbling around in my head. It’s an odd feeling when they don’t even make sense on the outside either. Or perhaps it’s not the case of making sense, it’s the case that nothing wants to emerge from it’s hiding place. Or perhaps there is nothing hiding.
It’s funny. You can become so acquainted to the dark corners of your mind, or the weight on your shoulders, or the sadness that underpins everything, that you forget what it’s like to be without it. I came off my antidepressants around August. Continue reading
I try to not let my illnesses take over my life. In fact, I try very hard to not let them define me as a person. I am all for the ‘being the person before the illness’ rhetoric, and if anyone else describes me solely by that ‘defining’ feature, they often get a long and very grumpy lecture on my other wonderful and much more worthy characteristics. On a personal level however, sometimes I succeed and other times I don’t, often coming out with the phrases ‘I have Crohns‘ or ‘I’m a depressive’ as an answer to seemingly anything. I often regret this mental narrative as it usually feels like I’ve given in to my illness, and subsequently let it take over.
However, this last year has been an experience in acceptance. I have realised that sometimes, you must be that person who stands and says ‘no, actually, I can’t do that because I have this‘. It’s not easy, but let me tell you the story of how I came to learn. Continue reading
We fell in love in a spectacular way. We fell in love in a way that is the epitome of us. A memory we can share together, and know that it was only a way that we could meet. It wasn’t angels and trumpets, but just a sense of coming home, of comfort and content.
We all have our ticks and our dreams and our lives: everyone develops in such a complicated way, that no one is complicated. We are all simple once you begin to learn, and you learnt like a professional.
You know exactly how I pick apart my food to make it last longer. You know how loud I snore. You’ve heard me sing out of tune on late night drives so I stay awake. You don’t hesitate to swap our foods around, and you always give me a bite of your pizza (even when I said I didn’t want any). You know of my unhealthy obsession with certain TV/book characters, my many unfinished series, and the fact that I refuse to buy anything in the middle of a collection (I have to have it all).
You know the reason I always put my bed in the corner against the wall. You pull me closer when I tug on your sleeve in crowded areas. You know the exact colour of my eyes when I’ve been crying, and you know just how to make me breathe. You’ve learnt the way I whimper when I have nightmares, and you aren’t afraid of the dark thoughts that sometimes come tumbling out. Continue reading
I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome about 9 months ago. Officially. Funnily enough, an ultrasound nurse told me this when I was 14, and yet my doctors at the time disregarded this and basically told me to come back when I wanted to have children. It all started when I was 12. I went through puberty even though I was told that my Crohns may interfere. I had my first period (bloody hell literally) and I remember being super excited (even though I was in stupid pain). I remember getting the obligatory joke(?) text from my friend saying ‘WOOHOO you’re officially a woman!’, and I remember being somewhat proud of the whole debacle. I wasn’t worried when I didn’t have one the next month, or the month after that, because it’s often stressed to you that you’re never regular at the beginning.
Two years later I admitted to my mum that I hadn’t had a period since. I asked if it was normal. She booked me an appointment at the GPs. We went together and explained what had happened and they originally told me that some people don’t start to late. I didn’t pique their interest until I told them I had started two years ago, and just never…carried on. Continue reading